


An Incredibly Stupid Tale of Two Setters

by noreek101



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angry Daddy Crow and Daddy Seijoh, Crack, Gen, No reconciliation whatsoever, Who Am I Kidding?, bonding over the stupidity of their respective setters, lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-14 09:24:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5738299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noreek101/pseuds/noreek101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama and Oikawa wake up in each others' bodies. Daichi and Iwaizumi try to figure out how to switch them back and keep them from accidentally (*cough* Sure, Oikawa. *cough*) ruining the other's life.<br/>Aoba Jousai and Karasuno are just confused over what the heck is going on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning of Something . . . Horrible. Just . . . Horrible.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what I just wrote.  
> Buckle in, folks. This is going to be . . . confusing and weird. :P
> 
> EDIT NOTE: Okay, wow, I failed at correctly spelling Aoba Jousai, like, five times.

Oikawa considered himself many things. Athletic, yes. Calculating, yes. Handsome . . .  _ duh _ .

But nothing -- I repeat,  _ nothing _ \-- was able to prepare him for this.

Aoba Jousai’s setter screamed at the top of his lungs as dark blue eyes glared at him from the mirror. _ Familiar _ dark blue eyes.

“Tobio? Is something wrong?”

Oikawa kept on screaming.

Really, who could blame him? He was in freaking  _ Kageyama Tobio’s body _ , for pity’s sake!

Footsteps pounded to his room (to Tobio-chan’s room?).

“Tobio, what’s wrong?”

“Uh . . . I was practicing for the talent show!”

“The . . . talent show.”

“Yeah.” Oikawa was about to turn up a hundred wattage beam when he remembered: Kageyama’s smile elicited screams and shaken terror. Instead he scowled slightly. “My volleyball captain is making us compete in it.”

Kageyama’s mother stared at him.

“So does this mean I don’t have to do it?” Oikawa asked hopefully.

“No. If this is some club thing, then you have to do it.”

“But Mo- _ om _ !” Oikawa whined.

She stared at him some more.

Oh, damn. . . . Oikawa just acted so un-Tobi-chan-like, it wasn’t even funny. He was dead. He was --

“Don’t you need to go to club?”

Oikawa stifled a gulp. The word were soft, but a terrifying aura surrounded Kageyama’s mother.

“Yes . . . yes, I do. Bye, K -- bye, Mom!”

Oikawa dashed out of Kageyama’s room.

“Tobio! You’re only wearing your pajamas!”

Oikaw dashed back into the room.

“Tobio! Stop running in the house!”

Oikawa slowed down.

“Tobio, if you don’t hurry up, you’re going to late for volleyball.”

Really, was there no pleasing the woman?!

.

.

.

.

Kageyama stared into the mirror.

“What.”

.

.

.

.

Iwaizumi’s phone rang.

“Hello?”

_ “Gahhhhh!” _

“Kageyama -- what --”

_ “Iwa-chaaan! Tobio-chan and I switched bodies!” _

Iwaizumi blinked.

“Kageyama, how much did Oikawa pay you? Or did he threaten you? Are you okay?”

_ “IWA-CHAN! I’M NOT JOKING! THIS IS OIKAWA TOORU! TOBIO-CHAN IS IN MY BODY AND NEEDS TO GIVE IT BACK! NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW --” _

“All right, I’ll be sure to smack my annoying dumbass of a friend for you. Thank you for letting me know that he’s going too far with his weird little schemes. I’ll also alert your captain that Oikawa is blackmailing you, and we’ll make him stop. Bye.”

_ “Iwa --” _

Iwaizumi sighed. “How the heck am I going to explain this?” he mumbled.

Damn Oikawa and his stupid . . . stupidness.

.

.

.

.

Daichi’s phone rang.

“Hello?”

_ “Hi, this is Iwaizumi Hajime from Aoba Jonsai. My idiot friend is blackmailing Kageyama, and I want you to come along with me so we can both threaten him into stopping.” _

“. . . Did you just say that Oikawa is blackmailing Kageyama?!”

.

.

.

.

“Tooru, you’re going to be late for school!”

Kageyama fainted.

.

.

.

.

“Tobio, what’s the matter?”

“N-nothing!” Oikawa squawked.

_ Stupid Iwa-chan! Why would I blackmail my preciously oblivious underclassman? He probably wouldn’t even realize I was doing it! _

“You’re bright red. Do you have a fever?”

“No!”

“If you’re sick, you aren’t going to --”

“I’m fine, I swear!”

“You’re sick. Go back to bed.”

Oikawa scowls darkly as he stalks back to Tobio-chan’s bedroom, but he’s grinning from ear to ear on the inside.

Problem solved.

His phone rang.

“Hello --”

_ “Kageyama, is Oikawa blackmailing you?!” _ came the hysterical voice of Sawamura Daichi.

Oikawa wanted to scream.

.

.

.

.

Kageyama woke up in bed. Oikawa’s bed. . . .

A gentle hand brushed back his hair. “You shouldn’t push yourself so much,” Oikawa’s mother said gently. “You can’t keep doing this. It’s not good for you or your teammates.”

A phone rang -- Oikawa’s phone.

“Hello?”

_ “Assikawa, stop blackmailing Kageyama!” _

What the . . .

.

.

.

.

“So let me get this straight,” Sugawara said slowly. “You’re going . . . after practice . . . to Iwaizumi Hajime’s house . . . so you can beat up Oikawa.”

“We aren’t beating up Oikawa,” Daichi groaned.

“Threatening him; beating him up -- what’s the difference?”

Daichi opened his mouth to retort that  _ ‘there is a very wide and obvious difference’ _ when Suga just laughed. “Kidding, Daichi,” he said, a grin tugging the corners of his mouth. “I’m just kidding.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha. See how hard I’m laughing at that most hilarious joke ever told.”

“Can I come, too?”

“Suga!”

Sugawara laughed. Again.

.

.

.

.

“Tooru, you have friends!”

Kageyama was banging his head on the wall.

“Wake up. Wake wake up wake up wake up wake up -- damn it, you dumbass! Just wake up!”

“Tooru? Are you going to come down?”

“AUGH! I HATE MY LIFE!”

A rough hand seized his shoulder. “Oi, Assikawa,” Iwaizumi snarled, “maybe you should have thought things through before you  _ blackmailed _ Kageyama.”

“I didn’t -- I don’t -- how’d it even come to this?!” Kageyama squawked.

Daichi just folded his arms and glowered.

Footsteps pounded up the stairs . . .

. . . and Kageyama was staring at his face.

Then  _ his _ arms and  _ his _ hands (but _not_ his arms and  _not_ his hands) were pounding against him.

“Augh! Give me my face back!” Oikawa screeched.

Iwaizumi and Daichi stared as the two boys screamed at each other.

“Me?!  _ Me _ ?! Like I  _ wanted _ to be stuck in your stupid body!”

“You’re just jealous ‘cos my serves are better,” Oikawa taunted in a sing-song voice (the smirk and tone was so . . .  _ wrong _ coming from Kageyama’s face).

“S-shut up!” Kageyama yelled (the tone and red face sounding and looking equally as wrong coming from Oikawa’s face).

“Both of you shut up!” Daichi and Iwaizumi shouted.

They stared at the two team fathers.

“Is it just me,” Oikawa said slowly, “or are they really scary when they’re teamed up?”

Kageyama couldn’t answer, as he was trying to remember how to breathe.

“I’m gonna take that as a ‘yes,’” said Oikawa.

Both boys’ shoulders were gripped by their respective (albeit metaphorical) parent.

“You two are going to explain everything,” Daichi said flatly. “Now.”

Kageyama swallowed. “Um . . .”

And so it began.

.

.

.

.

“Iwaizumi-san,” Oi -- no, Kageyama whispered frantically. “I can’t act like Oikawa-san! I can’t serve like him or toss like him! I can’t talk like him and I don’t know how to do that whine thing he does with you! There’s no way anyone will believe that I’m him!” His voice rose to a slightly hysterical pitch at the last few words.

“You’ll be fine. Say ‘Iwa-chan, so mean.’”

“Iwa-chan, so mean,” Kageyama deadpanned.

Iwaizumi sighed.

“We have a lot of work to do,” he muttered under his breath.

.

.

.

.

Oikawa twitched. “I can’t act like Tobio-chan! He’s all ‘grrr’ and ‘hiss’ and ‘rawr.’”

Daichi frowned. “Say ‘dumbass.’”

“Dumbass!” Oikawa yelled, except it was cheery and taunting, full of tease.

“No!” Daichi snapped. “Louder! Angrier! Exasperated and ready to smack someone with a volleyball!”

“Dumbass!”

“Less cheery! No teasing or humor whatsoever! Indignation! FURY!”

“Dumbass!”

“Actually try! You sound like a pathetic kitten mewing and pretending to be a tiger!”

“DUMBASS!” Oikawa roared, his face bright red.

“. . . Okay, this could actually work.”

.

.

.

.

“Iwa-chan, so mean.”

“Whinier, Kageyama. Become Oikawa! Get into his warped mindset!”

“Why would I want to do that? Like you said: it’s warped.”

“Kageyama!”

“Iwa-chan, so mean?”

Iwaizumi groaned. “We’re doomed.”

“. . . Iwaizumi-san, that was out loud.”

Iwaizumi sighed. “The correct response is ‘so rude!’”

“So rude!”

“You don’t sound whiny. Or annoying. Or flighty. You sound like you’re going to murder me for being rude.”

“WELL, I’M SORRY I’M NOT AS ANNOYING AS OIKAWA-SAN!”

Iwaizumi breathed in deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. Never would he have dreamed those words coming out of anyone’s mouth, especially not Kageyama’s.

“I’m going to kill Trashykawa,” he muttered under his breath.

“Don’t shorten the insults.”

His head jerked up, and he gaped at the flushing raven-haired boy.

“W-well, that’s what he says, isn’t it?” a flustered Kageyama Tobio stuttered.

“Yes . . . ? Yes. Yes!”

“You’re overly excited about this,” Kageyama muttered, shoulders hunching.

“Assikawa.”

“Do we really have to do this? Can’t I just stay at home and pretend to be sick?”

“No one’s going to buy that.”

“Then break my arm.”

Iwaizumi scowled. “What did you just say?”

“Break my arm, or I’m jumping off something from a high height to break my legs.”

Iwaizumi glared . . . but Kageyama’s blue eyes were unfortunately deadly serious.

“No.”

“But --”

“Look, even if your arm was broken, you’d still have to go to practices and school. It would solve nothing.”

“I can’t act like him, though.”

“Kageyama, I’m not breaking your arm.”

“But --”

“I’m not, and that’s final!”

.

.

.

.

“Sawamura, I can’t act like Tobio-chan for that long. . . . And I can’t do the freaky quick with chibi-chan.”

“So?”

“So break my arm!” Oikawa beamed at Daichi.

“Oikawa, shut up before I get so exasperated I actually listen to that idiotic suggestion.”

“But Daichi-chan!”

“Don’t ever call me that again.”

“Daichi-chan Daichi-chan Daichi-chan Daichi-chan Dai --”

“Shut up before I tell everyone that you’re dating Hinata.”

“E-eh?! Chibi-chan?! Why would . . . Kageyama’s gay?!”

“. . . Oikawa. Stop straying from the focus of this conversation.”

“Are  _ you _ gay? If you are, you should totally date Iwa-chan, ‘cos you’re carbon copies of each other; and you’d just compliment his natural homicidal qual -- OW!”

“Oikawa, I can’t kill you, as you’re in Kageyama’s body. But I have no qualms about ruining your entire life and future.” Daichi smiled pleasantly. “So if I were you, I would be very, very quiet and not make such idiotic suggestions ever again.”

“You’re as scary as he is. It’s not faaaair!” Oikawa whined, pouting.

The smile was wiped out completely and replaced by a dark glower.

“I mean . . . uh . . . Oh, hey, the new Star Wars movie! What’d you think of it?”

“. . . I feel sorry for Iwaizumi.”

“Mean, Dai-chan! Mean!”

“‘Dai-chan’?!” Daichi snarled, incredulity coloring every syllable.

Oikawa tilted his head, his eyes wide and innocent. Daichi could practically see the waves of sparkles and flowers emitting from his aura. “‘Daichi-chan’ is too long,” he said nonchalantly.

“Yup. I definitely feel sorry for Iwaizumi.”

“So  _ rude _ !” Oikawa squawked, his arms folding and his lips settling into a pout.

_ We’re so doomed. . . . _


	2. Assumptions Are Made and Asthetics Go Haywire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa is close to tears. Suga gets it wrong. Aoba Jousai is in hysterics -- or maybe that's just Kageyama. Iwaizumi and Daichi want a pay-raise (despite not actually being paid).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha! You got this a day early! Oh well. It'll make up for the time when it's a day late. ;)

“Tobio, if you don’t wake up, you’ll be late for --”

She stared. Tobio was in the bathroom and leaning across the sink to stare into the mirror.

“Why,” Tobio wailed softly, his fingers pushing through his hair, “why, why, just whyyyyy?!”

She slowly backed away and softly closed the door.

Maybe her son was going through teenage insecurities. That was only natural, right? He was just going through a . . . an in-between-beginning-and-middle-life crisis!

Reassured that she was not going insane (because why else would she see her volleyball-obsessed boy  _ primping _ ?), she walked downstairs to cook breakfast.

Maybe Tobio would finally understand the complex (well, not really complex, but to him . . .) mechanisms of social graces.

She shook her head. No. Just . . . no. She should not get her hopes up.

And Tobio had that friend from volleyball club. . . . (Hinoshita? Hinayama? Hinata! Definitely Hinata.) So he wasn’t  _ completely _ hopeless in the say-hello-and-not-freak-out-everyone-in-a-twenty-kilometer-radius department.

Right?

.

.

.

.

Oikawa was close to crying. His beautiful face was replaced with this . . . thing.

He grabbed Kageyama’s phone when he went into his. . . er, Tobio-chan’s room.

...

To: Oikawa-san

From: Kageyama Tobio

Subject: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

Your face, Tobio-chan?! Your faaaace?! (̥ ̥এ́ ̼ এ̥̀)̥̥ How do you live with it?! HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH IT, MY USELESSLY ADORABLE UNDERCLASSMAN?!!!!!!! (And why am I in your lists of contacts?!!!!!! ಠ ּ͜೦ Delete me the second we switch back!)

...

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: Oikawa-san

Subject: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

You just called him hideous and then you called him adorable. Make up your mind, Assikawa. And why doesn’t Sawamura have you on pest control? We’re going to have a talk later, the four of us. Well, the only reason Kageyama has to come is so he understands how annoying you are on a daily basis, but whatever.

…

To: Oikawa-san

From: Kageyama Tobio

Subject: re: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

Iwa-chan, get off my phone! You’re so ruuuude! ヾ( ･`⌓´･)ﾉﾞ

....

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: the totally amazing Oikawa-san who’s so much better than you! ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

Subject: re: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

. . . So I’m hideous yet not hideous. Oikawa-san, that makes no sense. And why should I delete it?

…

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: the totally amazing Oikawa-san who’s so much better than you! ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

Subject: re: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

It was obviously helpful.

…

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: the totally amazing Oikawa-san who’s so much better than you! ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

Subject: re: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

Never mind, I’m deleting it.

…

To: the totally amazing Oikawa-san who’s so much better than you! ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

From: Kageyama Tobio

Subject: re: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

You’d better not make me look stupid! Socially, athletically, or appearances-wise!!!!! ฅ⁽͑ ˚̀ ˙̭ ˚́ ⁾̉ฅ

…

To: Uselessly Adorable Tobiooo-chan~ 乁[ᓀ˵▾˵ᓂ]ㄏ

From: the totally amazing Oikawa-san who’s so much better than you! ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

Subject: re: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

Idiotkawa, you don’t need help with looking stupid.

…

To: the totally amazing Oikawa-san who’s so much better than you! ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

From: Uselessly Adorable Tobiooo-chan~ 乁[ᓀ˵▾˵ᓂ]ㄏ

Subject: re: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

Get off my phone!!!!!!!!!! Get off, meanie Iwa-chan!!! ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚

…

To: Uselessly Adorable Tobiooo-chan~ 乁[ᓀ˵▾˵ᓂ]ㄏ

From: the totally amazing Oikawa-san who’s so much better than you! ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

Subject: re: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

Go to school, dumbass.

…

To: the totally amazing Oikawa-san who’s so much better than you! ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

From: Uselessly Adorable Tobiooo-chan~ 乁[ᓀ˵▾˵ᓂ]ㄏ

Subject: re: re: щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

Why aren’t you? (((￣へ￣井)

…

No answer. Oikawa pouted and shoved Tobio-chan’s phone into his pocket.

.

.

.

.

“Tobio, get off your phone and go to school!”

Great. Now he was becoming  _ too _ social. That would be the day. . . .

She sighed.

.

.

.

.

It had, luckily, been not even remotely strange for Iwaizumi to tromp over next door to Oikawa’s house. It had, unluckily, been not even remotely strange for Oikawa to act like an air-headed dumbass.

“How does he type back so fast?” Kageyama demanded. “And what even  _ are _ those weird faces he keeps sending? And why is my contact ID  _ Annoying Genius Tobio-chan Who’s Actually Really Stupid _ with a sparkly bear emoticon at the end . . . ?”

Iwaizumi groaned, dragging his hand across his face. It didn’t help that they had taken an hour trying to figure out how Oikawa did his hair. (They failed. Kageyama looked like an electrocuted mushroom.) In other words? It was going to be a long day.

Especially since morning practice was in . . .

“Damn it,” Iwaizumi snarled. “We’re gonna be late for morning practice.”

He all but dragged the protesting setter (well, it was more along the lines of  _ begging _ , but let’s reserve some of Kageyama’s dignity here, no?) out the door and through the hall and into the sunshine.

And quite possibly their doom.

.

.

.

.

“OW! What was that for?” Oikawa huffed, crossing his arms.

The orange-haired shrimp scowled at Oikawa. “YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO BEAT ME, BAKAGEYAMA!”

“Why?” Oikawa asked. Chibi-chan gaped at him. “I mean, why should I get tired out before we even start practicing?”

Daichi clamped on Oikawa’s shoulder, his cheek muscles ticking. “Kageyama and I are going to have a talk,” he gritted out.

He dragged the poor, young, beautiful setter away for the promised murder --  _ I mean _ , chat.

.

.

.

.

“What’s going on?” Hinata demanded.

Sugawara put a finger to his lips.

“Dai . . . didn’t . . . hair --”

“Stop . . . such a . . . I don’t care if . . . ahead . . . hope . . . slow . . .”

“Dai-chan!” Kageyama shrieked, loud enough for Asahi, Suga, and Hinata to hear perfectly.

Hinata’s and Asahi’s eyes widened. ‘Dai-chan’?!

Daichi continued: “Not . . . fault . . . stop being . . . he isn’t . . . you . . .”

“How . . . I can’t do . . . I . . . keep doing . . . they . . . it out.”

“Actually try . . . stop being . . . I hate . . . too . . . can’t . . . horrified.”

“What’re they talking about?” Hinata hissed.

Suga smiled. “Well, see, Hinata . . .”

“And why’d he called him ‘Dai-chan’?!” Asahi squeaked out.

Suga raised his eyebrows, and they leaned forward to hear the whispered message. Their eyes grew even wider.

“ _ Oh _ ,” they chorused.

“Yes,” Suga said with a grin. “ _ Oh _ .”

.

.

.

.

After Daichi got done threatening Oikawa into acting like a relatively sane person and snapping at Oikawa to stop calling him ‘Dai-chan,’ they walked back into the gym. Suga, Asahi, and Hinata burst in front of them.

“We’re so happy for you!” Suga chirped.

It took approximately four point six one nine seconds for Daichi to figure out what Suga was implying.

Kageyama -- Oikawa’s head tilted, his blue eyes wide. “We didn’t do anything!”

The little -- he was  _ trying _ to give them ideas!

Daichi slammed his hand into Oikawa’s head.

“Sorry, Dai-cha -- I mean,  _ Daichi-san _ .”

Daichi’s lips thinned. The stupid Grand King and his stupid smug smile that was definitely gleaming full-blast in his mind and his stupid existence and --

Asahi and Hinata edged away from Daichi’s terrifying black aura.

.

.

.

.

Thankfully, it was completely normal for Iwaizumi to be dragging Oikawa around.

Kageyama looked like he was about to throw up. Or die. Or run away screaming. Or kill some kittens. Or all four (not necessarily in that order).

“Is something wrong with Oikawa-kun?” a girl asked anxiously, her big brown eyes becoming even bigger.

“He’s realizing how miniscule and pathetic his existence on this earth is.”

Doe-Eyes-Girl blinked, like deedle-doo!

“Oooookay?” she said slowly, her tone more like a question than anything.

Iwaizumi continued dragging Kageyama to the gym.

.

.

.

.

“You’re late,” the coach noted blandly.

Iwaizumi bowed and pushed Kageyama down with him (even though he was technically already bending over).

“Sorry,” he said. “We were . . . We . . .”

“Gay,” coughed Matsukawa.

“Gay,” Hanamaki agreed.

“Shut up,” Iwaizumi ordered.

“ _ Were _ you?” asked Kindaichi, his eyes wide.

“YOU PEOPLE ARE PERVERTED!” Iwaizumi yelled.

Kageyama seized the moment of distraction to sprint away at top speed.

“What . . . just happened?” asked Yahaba.

Iwaizumi groaned for what felt like the hundredth time this day.

.

.

.

.

Iwaizumi stormed up to Kageyama, who was jamming buttons on a vending machine almost violently.

“Oi, what --”

Kageyama whirled around,  _ trauma from Kitagawa Daiichi _ written all over his face.

“. . . Oh.”

Kageyama swallowed. “I’ll be fine, I swear. Just let me . . .” His voice trailed away, and his eyes glazed over.

Iwaizumi shifted from foot to foot. (It didn’t help matters when he noticed that Kageyama was clenching the milk can so hard that dents were beginning to form. Or the fact that Kageyama had stopped breathing. Oh, gods. He literally wasn’t breathing! This was bad. This was -- what if he passed out? Damn it, should he say something? But he would probably just make things worse. No, he still had to try, right?)

“Um, Kageyama,” he said slowly, choosing each word carefully, “please keep breathing.”

“You . . . expect . . . me . . . to be . . . able . . . to?” Kageyama wheezed.

Oh, gods. Gods gods gods --

“I’m going to fail. I’m going to ruin his life. I’m going to act like a dumbass, and everyone’s going to know, and I’m going to die, because Oikawa-san will kill me himself, and -- and -- and --”

“Stop hyperventilating!” Iwaizumi barked.

“-- and he’s going to ruin my life as revenge, and Hinata will hate me forever, and Tsukishima will mock me without end, and Oikawa-san is gonna --”

“Are you  _ trying _ to make yourself panic so you’ll pass out?”

“-- and I can’t -- and -- and Suga-san will have that look of quiet disappointment, and Mom will shake her head in exasperation and say that I should have done basketball. And oh, gods, I can’t do this. He’s sparkly and annoying and over the top and flirty and -- and I’m going to embarrass him, and he’ll figure out how to ruin my life,” Kageyama repeated, going on loop. “He’ll probably say that I’m in love with Tsukishima or something. Or he’ll -- he’ll sign me up for a  _ My Little Pony _ fanclub. I -- I -- I’m going to -- I just --”

Iwaizumi didn’t understand even half of what was pouring out of Kageyama’s mouth.

“-- I can’t! And damn it, Kunimi and Kindaichi -- I -- Oikawa will kill me. I’m gonna die, and I haven’t even played in Nationals yet! I’ll never play uni! I --”

“Is Oikawa-san on drugs or something?”

Iwaizumi and Kageyama whirled around. Kunimi stood a few meters away, head cocked to one side.

Iwaizumi muttered a word that he probably should not have said in front of two first-years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about this. :P Poor Kunimi.


	3. Love, War, and the Hopeful (READ: UNLIKELY) Lack of Homework

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa is an idiot (or is he just playing a role?). Kageyama is miserable. Iwaizumi prays for a miracle; Daichi pulls an Iwa-chan. Kunimi's confused. Very, very confused. And possibly worried for Oikawa's mental stability.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse. :P  
> In any case, enjoy! :)

Oikawa could do this. He could totally impersonate his kouhai! (Also, he wanted to rub it in Tobio-chan’s face that he was better at being him than Kageyama was at being Oikawa  _ reeeeally _ bad, but let’s not focus on the details.)

“How was that toss? Too high? Too low? Too close to the net?” Oikawa beamed at Glasses-kun. “Don’t hold anything back!”

Glasses-kun stared at him, his mouth slightly open.

Oh . . . crap. He smiled. He  _ smiled _ ! It was only the beginning of morning practice, and Oikawa had ruined it already!

“. . . You’re messed up,” Glasses-kun muttered, then walked away, volleyball tucked under his arm.

“H-hey, I asked! Don’t get mad at me if we’re in a match and I give you the wrong toss!” Oikawa yelped.

Glasses-kun turned his head slightly and stopped walking. A smirk played at the corners of his mouth. “Oh, is the King finding it harder to figure out the perfect toss? Tsk, tsk. If you aren’t careful --”

Oikawa launched the ball at Glasses-kun’s torso (that was something Tobio-chan would do, right? Right?  _ Right _ ?). Except it didn’t exactly hit his chest. . . . It smacked him right in the face.

A definite  _ crack _ rang out as the ball smashed into Tsukishima’s glasses. Actually, a lot of cracks.

Oops.

Tsukishima’s hand slowly rose up to his nose, and he delicately snatched his (ruined) glasses off his face.

“Sorry!” Oikawa cried.  _ Damn it, Iwa-chan’s gonna kill me! I mean, if Tobio-chan doesn’t kill me first. Or Dai-chan. Uuuuugh, why is everything going wrong? _

“Tch. You’re such a pathetic, hotheaded fool.”

“If anyone’s pathetic, it’s you,” Oikawa said with an upturned nose.

(Oh, great, he just acted un-Tobio-chan-like once again. It was a good thing Tsukishima couldn’t see him.)

There was an ice-cold smile growing on Glasses-kun face. The type that practically screamed, ‘I would kill you, but you’re not worth the effort. So instead I’ll just watch you squirm and plot your inevitable demise without laying a single finger upon your person.’

“What did you two do?” a stern voice demanded.

Oikawa wheeled around to find a lips-pressed-thin Refreshing-kun. Funny, he had always thought he was more of a --

“His Majesty hurled a ball at my face and smashed my glasses,” Tsukishima said blandly.

Wow. Worded like that . . . it really did sound horrible.

“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Oikawa protested.

Glasses-less-kun rolled his eyes.

Sugawara raised one eyebrow. “I thought you two weren’t going to get into any fights.” He then proceeded to launch into a lecture on how the people on your side of the net were your allies, no matter what your personal feelings regarding them, and blah blah blahhhhh. (Seriously, how had Tobio-chan not figured this out? Well, okay, Oikawa was the one being lectured right now, but still.)

“Kageyama, are you even paying attention?”

“Get along with Tsukishima, don’t throw volleyballs at a teammate’s face no matter how annoying he is, bring out your team to the best of your ability -- hey, why aren’t you lecturing him, too?” Oikawa almost pouted but changed it to a scowl at the last second.

“Because you’re the one being an idiot.” Daichi was standing next to Suga. Where did he . . . Never mind.

“Daichi, be nice,” scolded the ash-haired vice-captain.

“How does that work again?”

_ Aww . . . they’re like a mother and father. Mother and father. . . . I have it! Sawadada and Sugamama! Um, no. Hm . . . Daddy Crow, Mommy Crow! Um . . . not quite. _

“You’ve been spacing out a lot,” Tsukishima noted.

“You can’t even see me!”

“I don’t have to.”

“Stop fighting!” the designated Karasuno volleyball club parents ordered as one.

Almost as scary as Iwa-chan. . . . Life was so cruel.

Oikawa stalked away. No way was he inwardly pouting over Tsukishima’s laughing face. After all, his glasses were broken! Why should the stupid middle blocker be laughing?

Hinata dashed in front of him, bouncing on his toes and offering a volleyball as if it was one of the most amazing things ever to exist (which it was, even though Seijoh’s volleyballs were even better). “Kageyama! Let’s practice our quick!” yelled Chibi-chan.

Well, crap.

.

.

.

.

Oikawa looked horrible. It wasn’t just that something dreadful had happened to his hair (did he forget to put gel in it and run his hands through it too many times?). His eyes were unfocused, and his face was . . . Well, the only word to describe it was  _ panicked _ .

“Is Oikawa-san on drugs?”

They whirled around. Oikawa’s face paled even further, as if he was made of skim milk. Iwaizumi visibly swallowed.

“Um. Uh. Ah.” (He continued  _ um _ -ing and  _ ah _ -ing for a while, so we’ll just going to skip to the part where he actually talks.) “No,” Iwaizumi said. “He’s just . . . He’s sulking over his break up!”

“W-what?” Oikawa squawked.

“It’s your own fault, dumbass,” Iwaizumi snapped. “You’re a horrible boyfriend.”

“And you’re a horrible liar!” Oikawa screeched. He then sulked, apparently too grumpy to even attach an  _ Iwa-chan, so rude! _ to the conversation.

“They said that you’re taking too long,” said Kunimi. This was . . . Okay, Kunimi wasn’t even sure how to label this conversation.

_ Liar . . . ? _

“Too bad,” Oikawa muttered.

“Stop pouting!”

“I’m not --”

Iwaizumi dragged Oikawa off, the latter sputtering protests the entire way.

Kunimi sighed. “I need to transfer,” he mumbled.

How could Oikawa  _ not _ be on drugs, with the way he was acting? He was so . . .

Well, strangely enough, the mannerisms (though Kunimi had never seen Oikawa display them) seemed . . . familiar.

Transferring was still the logical choice, though.

.

.

.

.

“Did Iwaizumi do your hair this morning?” asked Matsukawa. “It looks awful.”

Kageyama muttered something that was indecipherable.

“You look like a hedgehog,” added Kindaichi, rather unhelpfully.

“Maybe he’s trying to look like Iwaizumi,” Hanamaki said, smirking.

Iwaizumi didn’t consider himself a praying man, but he was about ready to start begging on his knees for a miracle.

“His girlfriend broke up with him,” Kunimi said suddenly.

_ Thank the gods. . . . _

“And he’s sulking because Iwaizumi-san didn’t accept his confession.”

Iwaizumi took it back: Kunimi was a horrible person. Also, he was going to die an extremely painful death. That is, if Kageyama didn’t kill his former teammate first. (Judging by the dark scowl tightening his features and sharpening his homicidal glare -- er, utterly normal gaze! -- it was going to be a tough race.)

“Assikawa,” Iwaizumi barked. “You can’t kill Kunimi.  _ I’m _ killing Kunimi.”

“So it’s true?” Watari asked.

“NO!”

“That sounded too defensive,” Hanamaki said. “What do you think, Wakamatsu?”

“Oh, yes, definitely. Watari?”

“Hm, not sure. . . . Kyoutani?”

“Just kiss and make up already, would you?”

Yahaba whacked the designated ‘Mad-Dog-kun.’

Could the floor just up and swallow Iwaizumi’s idiotic teammates whole,  _ please _ ?

“Oikawa’s really quiet right now!” Kindaichi exclaimed.

Eyes narrowing, Iwaizumi hissed, “I changed my mind. We’re killing all of them.”

And let’s just say . . . Kageyama mumbled the exact same word Iwaizumi had used at the vending machine.

“Such foul language!” Wakamatsu cried.

Iwaizumi wanted to scream.

Thankfully, Coach yelled at them to continue practice, so the team shut up. With one exception.

“Hey, Oikawa-san, could you toss to me?” asked Kindaichi.

Kageyama paled.

.

.

.

.

Kageyama could do this. He just . . . He just wouldn’t talk. Or look anyone in the eye. Or try to smile. (He ignored the fact that all of the above was about as un-Oikawa as one could get.)

Naturally, he turned to the right for moral support . . . 

. . . only to find Iwaizumi half-way across the gym.

The traitorous bastard had abandoned him.

“So . . . you’re pining?” asked Kindaichi.

Well. Might as well roll with it.

Kageyama attached the brightest, fakest smile he could muster onto his face (how he succeeded in not terrifying Kindaichi half to death, we’ll never know) and proclaimed [READ: chirped] in an overly cheerful voice, “Kindaichi-kun, don’t be stupid! You know my heart will always belong with Iwa-chan.”

Dead silence.

‘Iwa-chan’ whirled around from where he was talking to Kyoutani and hurled a volleyball at Kageyama.

Kageyama followed the law of gravity and collapsed onto the floor.

“Owwww. Iwa-chaaaan,” he moaned. “That huuuurt!”

.

.

.

.

Iwaizumi regretted telling Kageyama to get into Oikawa’s warped mindset.

.

.

.

.

Oikawa stared at the ball. Then he stared at Chibi-chan. He stared at the ball. He stared at Chibi-chan. This he repeated five times before shrugging and saying, “Osu.”

He could bluff! He could totally bluff and . . . and . . . and use the normal quick tosses? Tobio-chan used them, right? So . . . yeah. He was going to be fine. Absolutely, positively fi --

“You’re acting really weird today,” Hinata remarked. He brightened. “Hey, let’s do the one where I close my eyes and the ball goes  _ fwooom _ ! That always makes me feel better when I hit it! It makes you feel awesome, too, right?”

Oikawa could feel Sawamura’s ice-cold glare prickling the hairs of his neck.

Crap again.

Oikawa shoved the ball back into Hinata’s chest. “Why don’t we practice your receives instead!” he cried. Because nope. No way was he going to humiliate himself by attempting to do Tobio-chan’s freak toss.

Hinata pouted. “But I wanna do our quiiiiick,” he whined.

“Well . . .” What would Tobio-chan say? Oh! “Your receives still suck, so you need to practice.”

Hinata’s pout only grew more pronounced. “Meanie Bakageyama.”

“Well, it’s true!”

They started squabbling and screeching about stuff Oikawa didn’t understand. He just refuted whatever Hinata said. It seemed to be working pretty well, so . . . he was just going to roll with it.

.

.

.

.

Daichi didn’t really believe in God or anything, but he was about to get down on his hands and knees and beg whatever powerful, supernatural being existed to save him from this nightmare.

Of course, he  _ could _ just hit Oikawa.

Yeah. He was totally hitting Oikawa.

.

.

.

.

“Ow! Dai-chan!”

“I told you to stop calling me that!”

Hinata frowned. “What are they  _ doing _ ?”

“Lover’s quarrel,” Suga explained.

“Already?” Asahi hissed, eyes wide and frantic.

“STOP MESSING AROUND AND GET BACK TO PRACTICE!” Ukai yelled.

They scattered (luckily for Kageyama, Suga mused).

 

.

.

.

.

Okay, maybe Iwaizumi had gotten too into his role. He probably threw the ball to hard.

Judging by the fact that Kageyama stayed on the ground moaning and groaning like the world had ended, I mean.

Iwaizumi pushed Kageyama up. “You okay?”

Kageyama looked at him, his eyes oddly unfocused. “Third year,” he rasped out. “No tests?” Then he passed out.

What the heck . . . ? Oh.  _ Oh _ .

Iwaizumi paled.

How had he forgotten such a monumental fact? Kageyama was only a first-year!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Tsukki, folks! I swear! (I also love Kags, Oikawa, Iwa, and Daichi; but look where that landed 'em.)  
> Please review!  
> (And the next chapter may unfortunately be late.)


	4. Texting Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texting. Oikawa corrupts Kageyama. An overabundance of emoticons. Need I say more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When Kageyama and Oikawa text, it's from Kageyama's point of view, so Oikawa is 'Oikawa-san' and Kageyama is 'Kageyama Tobio.' ('Cos he changed the contact info to actually relevant information, unlike SOMEONE. *cough* Assikawa *cough*)

To: Sawamura Daichi

From: Iwaizumi Hajime

Subject: predicament

Kageyama may have passed out. He’s awake now, though.

…

To: Iwaizumi Hajime

From: Sawamura Daichi

Subject: re: predicament

Oh, gods. Is he alright?

…

To: Sawamura Daichi

From: Iwaizumi Hajime

Subject: re: re: predicament

Depends.

…

To: Sawamura Daichi

From: Iwaizumi Hajime

Subject: re: re: predicament

What’s your definition of ‘alright’?

…

To: Sawamura Daichi

From: Iwaizumi Hajime

Subject: re: re: predicament

Don’t worry, he doesn’t have a concussion or anything.

…

To: Iwaizumi Hajime

From: Sawamura Daichi

Subject: re: re: predicament

What happened?!

…

To: Sawamura Daichi

From: Iwaizumi Hajime

Subject: re: re: predicament

Kunimi happened. Well, technically, the hair was the first thing. Then Hanamaki and Matsukawa and Kindaichi and Kyoutani and --

Basically the entire team.

In any case, he started panicking. Then the vending machine happened. Oh, and Oikawa and I are apparently dating now.

So yeah. A lot of things, actually. But then I threw a volleyball at him, and he collapsed. So now it’s . . . not good.

…

To: Iwaizumi Hajime

From: Sawamura Daichi

Subject: re: re: predicament

You. Threw. A VOLLEYBALL. At. Kageyama?!!!!!!!!

…

To: Iwaizumi Hajime

From: Sawamura Daichi

Subject: re: re: predicament

And congratulations on you and Oikawa! :)

…

To: Sawamura Daichi

From: Iwaizumi Hajime

Subject: re: re: predicament

IT WAS REFLEX! HE SAID, “Don’t be stupid, Kindaichi-kun! You know my heart will always belong to Iwa-chan.” AND HE SMILED. LIKE, MEGAWATT BEAM. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW KAGEYAMA COULD SMILE WITHOUT TERRIFYING THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE IN A ONE HUNDRED KILOMETER RADIUS. AND IT LOOKED LIKE OIKAWA’S SMILE. AND IT SOUNDED LIKE OIKAWA’S VOICE. SO IT WAS FREAKING REFLEX BECAUSE OIKAWA IS AN IDIOT! ALL! THE! TIME! AND HE SAID THAT OIKAWA WAS IN LOVE WITH ME! AND OIKAWA’S NOT IN LOVE WITH ME! AND I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM! WE’RE FRIENDS! JUST FRIENDS! NOTHING BUT FRIENDS, SO I DON’T KNOW WHY EVERYONE ASSUMES OTHERWISE!

OIKAWA AND I AREN’T DATING!!!!!!!! >:[

…

To: Iwaizumi Hajime

From: Sawamura Daichi

Subject: re: re: predicament

. . .

Deeps breaths, Iwaizumi-san. I wasn’t implying anything.

…

To: Iwaizumi Hajime

From: Sawamura Daichi

Subject: re: re: predicament

Although, to be fair, you ARE the one who said that you and Oikawa are dating.

…

To: Sawamura Daichi

From: Iwaizumi Hajime

Subject: re: re: predicament

-_-

In any case, we forgot something major. Kageyama’s only a first-year, and Oikawa’s a third-year.

…

...

…

…

...

To: Iwaizumi Hajime

From: Sawamura Daichi

Subject: re: re: predicament

crap

…

.

.

.

.

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: Oikawa-san

Subject: what the heck did you to my life?!!!!!

dai-chan and iwa-chan are texting and dai-chan got really really really really really pale and what the heck did you do to my life?!!!! you ruined it didnt you?!!!!! im gonna kill you!!!!! i will ruin your life in exchange!!!!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!!!!!

(╬ Ò ‸ Ó) 

…

To: Oikawa-san

From: Kageyama Tobio

Subject: re: what the heck did you do to my life?!!!!! 

Oikawa-san, are you okay?

…

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: Oikawa-san

Subject: re: re: what the heck did you to my life?!!!!!

YOU RUINED MY LIFE DIDNT YOU YOU ANNOYING BRAT HOW COULD I POSSIBLY BE OKAY WHY WHY WHYYY CRUEL WORLD DID I HAVE TO SWITCH BODIES WITH YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WHY NOT SOMEONE SMART OR SOMEONE WHO AT LEAST HAS MORE THAN TWO BRAIN CELLS?!!!!!!! ｡･ﾟヾ(✦థ ｪ థ)ﾉ｡ﾟ･｡

…

To: Oikawa-san

From: Kageyama

Subject: re: re: what the heck did you do to my life?!!!!! 

That reminds me: how do you do those faces?

…

To: Kageyama

From: Oikawa-san

Subject: re: re: what the heck did you to my life?!!!!!

That’s not the point!! ~(๑ñ﹏ ⊙☆)ノ

(It’s too long of an explanation to tell you how to do them, so just go to japaneseemoticons.me -- they have lots!)

…

…

…

…

...

…

To: Oikawa-san

From: Kageyama Tobio

Subject: re: re: what the heck did you do to my life?!!!!! 

(((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))

…

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: Oikawa-san

Subject: re: re: what the heck did you do to my life?!!!!! 

Okay, that’s just creepy, coming from you. Never use that again.

AND YOU STILL HAVEN’T ANSWERED ME!!

…

To: Oikawa-san

From: Kageyama Tobio

Subject: re: re: what the heck did you do to my life?!!!!! 

(((￣へ￣井)

…

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: Oikawa-san

Subject: re: re: what the heck did you do to my life?!!!!!

. . . I’ve corrupted you. My innocent, uselessly adorable underclassman, I have corrupted you.

…

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: Oikawa-san

Subject: re: re: what the heck did you do to my life?!!!!!

AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY LIFE?!!!!!!!

…

.

.

.

.

Kageyama frowned at his phone. “Should I answer him?”

Iwaizumi sighed. “The smart choice would be no.”

“Are you . . . mad?”

“Just . . . please don’t ever say such a stupid thing again.”

Kageyama’s eyes widened. “You mean you and Oikawa  _ aren’t _ da --”

“ _ Don’t even finish that sentence _ .”

“Sorry.”

.

.

.

.

To: Sawamura Daichi

From: Iwaizumi Hajime

Subject: Oikawa

So how did Oikawa do?

...

To: Iwaizumi Hajime

From: Sawamura Daichi

Subject: re: Oikawa

Do you even want to know?

...

...

...

...

...

To: Sawamura Daichi

From: Iwaizumi Hajime

Subject: re: re: Oikawa

No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this becoming too shippy? I feel like it's becoming too shippy.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, Iwaizumi, Sawamura, but yes. You are completely, utterly, and irrevocably doomed.  
> Please review!


End file.
